I have been sitting and laying on the bed of paddy field every night just hoping to be able to remember the times we had when we were younger. Its so tough nowadays since the day you have left. Your shadow has been revolving me causing me to go frenzy all the time eventhough you have left since your words always moves me deeply as you have been always a good supporter. I couldn't find any words to describe how much I didn't want you to leave me for Japan but I couldn't put it in words because I didn't want you to sacrifice your future just for me.
Now once I look back , I feel happy and did not regret that you have put after your future. Why? I have always been questioned. I seldom questions myself too but there is no answer as I love you more than anything the world.
I have also now worked towards my future. We both have separate paths but still living happily in our long distance relationship. We can still survive in this because we believe in the things we believe , having faith in God that he has always been gracious and blessing us with a lot of things in various aspects. I have never sigh or mourn instead I give thanks.
Currently, looking back at all these things actually calms my heart since I am currently diagnosed with cancer. I don't know how long am I going to be alive but I am still going to thank god for every second that he is providing me with and also I am still alive , that is the most important thing. I left you at that very moment telling you once you just got back from Japan that I wanted to break up , I feared and teared. Its not because I am lying to you that I am in love with another man but its because I have to bear the pain of leaving someone that I love so much with not able to tell what happened to me. I just gave you a last hug and walked away. You asked me what happened, and the only thing I could tell you is that "I am sorry that I have to leave you for another man." with no reason and hestitation, that was painful, a really painful one.
I cried everyday , every night hoping and wishing I could turn back time and this never did happen. But, I can't. I regreted but I have no choice because I didn't want you to be sad and think that I am a burden to you. I am happy seeing you have a good girl sharing the pain that you need to bare and fighting the battle of your challenges with you, I am happy. I did wish that could be me , but thinking and seeing all these that she had gone through with you , I am relieved and happy.
The only thing that I can still remember that you have told me when I have left you was this " I will wait for you no matter what , this ring that I have got with me will also wait for you and the thing that you need to do is just say "I do."
This was the thing that made me cried and remember upon now. Eventhough , you have married another woman and you have not found out about me living in heaven looking and taking care upon you , I am still happy and touched that you have made my heart fonder and still remember me by frequently dropping by my home sending me letters.
"I LOVE YOU. I watched the stars get smaller , tiny diamonds in my memory when I moved on. I do. "
The End.
